It has been 2,000+ years since the last confirmed sighting. That is roughly
seven hundred generations of "soon", "any day now", and
"at the second coming".
We are not waiting any longer.
Technically it has been about 1,993 years since the last unambiguous, in-person, two-eyed sighting. We round up to 2,000 because rounding down would be rude and because we are, on the whole, an optimistic organization.
Two thousand years of lawn chairs. Two thousand years of "I might live to see it." Two thousand years of setting one more place at the table. We are done sitting. The invitation has been open a very long time and the RSVP is overdue.
You cannot bring a man back with a lawn chair. You cannot bring a man back with a website. But you can bring a man back with excellent food, a warm garage, a sharp scale, and a community that has not stopped believing in him for two millennia.
Healthy, whole, unprocessed dried fruit, nuts and vegetables — the exact things a man who walked 3,000 miles on sandals would need. We are not asking for a miracle. We are asking for a miracle of the ordinary kind: a well-fed person.
Here is who we actually serve, and who actually keeps this going:
We are a 100% nonprofit food ministry that feeds believers and neighbors, funds elder storytelling with Your Last Prayer, and sends plant-based food to the KYZO Garden in Accra, Ghana. We are pre-order only because we are still praying about the paperwork. We are not waiting on Jesus. We are waiting on a permit.
That is the difference between us and a lawn chair.
Everyone asks it. We built a clock. We did not build an answer, because we are nothing if not honest, and also because the clock is funnier.
He was born in a Bethlehem that no longer exists, so technically the logistics are difficult. He has never missed a deadline, but he has also never sent a tracking number.
He is famously bad at New Year's. He usually arrives in a different century, or a different field, entirely. He does, however, keep excellent time once He is actually here.
He is not coming today. He is at the Moscow farmers market with the dog, buying one (1) raisin and asking about the weather. The weather, notably, is excellent.
Here is the thing: if He has returned to earth, He is going to look like Jesus.
Long hair. Long beard. About the age He was when He died — around 33, give or take
a decade and a very good moisturizer.
Tick the boxes. We will do the math.
| Attribute | Specification | Confidence |
|---|---|---|
| Hair | Long. Shoulder-length or worse. Moves in weather. | 94% |
| Beard | Full. Natural. Zero product. Approximately the length of the beard in the Basilica of San Marco. | 91% |
| Age | Around 33, give or take. The face of a man who has already finished the hard part. | 88% |
| Height | Anywhere from 5'6" to 6'2". He has never been measured. Nobody has had the nerve. | 50% |
| Footwear | Sandals. Year-round. Non-negotiable. | 99% |
| Voice | Calm. Says "the Lord provides" about raisins. | 87% |
| Occupation | Carpenter, per the record. Currently: turns up places and looks at the weather. | 77% |
| Vehicle | None. He walks. He has always walked. This is the whole problem. | 100% |
| Current location | Moscow, Idaho — headquarters — plus satellite campuses we cannot confirm. | 62% |
The most expensive painting of Jesus Christ ever sold at auction is Salvator Mundi — "Savior of the World" — attributed to Leonardo da Vinci. It sold at Christie's in New York on November 15, 2017 for $450,300,000.
Artist's rendering, made by us, in the garage, at 2am. We do not have $450 million. We do have a scale that needs new batteries.
| Fact | |
|---|---|
| The Record Price | The $450.3 million final price (a $400 million bid plus auction fees) doubled the previous world record for any artwork sold at auction. |
| The Buyer | Purchased by Prince Badr bin Abdullah Al Saud of Saudi Arabia, reportedly on behalf of Crown Prince Mohammed bin Salman. |
| The Subject | Depicts Jesus Christ in blue Renaissance attire, holding a transparent crystal orb in his left hand and raising his right hand in a gesture of blessing. |
| Extreme Rarity | One of fewer than 20 known surviving paintings by Leonardo da Vinci, and the only one left in private hands prior to the sale. |
| A Bargain Discovery | Long lost to history, it was rediscovered in 2005 at a regional estate auction in the United States, where it was bought for just $1,175 — and earlier sold for £45 in 1958, when it was thought to be a copy by a follower. |
| Heavily Restored & Controversial | Because the panel was severely damaged and heavily painted over across the centuries, its full attribution to Da Vinci remains debated among art historians. |
| Current Whereabouts | The painting vanished from public view after its planned unveiling at the Louvre Abu Dhabi was postponed in 2019. Theories place it in a high-security storage vault, a private facility, or aboard a luxury superyacht. |
Bars are on a logarithmic scale, because on a linear scale the painting would be a blue wall and everything else would be a line. (Logarithmic scale, not a normal scale. We are aware.)
A masterpiece of a Jesus is worth $450 million. A real one, photographed badly on a sidewalk in Moscow, Idaho with a dog, is worth a bag of raisins and a promise to call you back. We think the second one is considerably better value, and considerably more likely to say hello.
Four ways. Pick one. All of them work. None of them require you to own a lawn chair.
Order by phone or in person. A well-fed man walks faster. Ask Him what He is having.
Twenty-five bags for a church pantry, a mutual-aid fridge, a gym snack shelf, a retirement home, or a pool.
Fund a free day of filming for elders with the Your Last Prayer team. Somebody has to carry the camera while He does the walking.
Send a crate of dried fruit to the KYZO Garden. Dried goods travel light, keep long, and feed a great many people per kilo.